Sometimes I wonder why I refuse to see my essay, journal, kind of writing as too easy and should be avoided at all cost. Majority of my life, everything else didn’t come easy. Not social queues, not Friendships, not even relationships with partners or family. I think it’s because majority of the moments when I could’ve been given a moment of kindness or understanding, it was usually trampled on. As a young kid, I used to think doing things that were easy and given mutual respect was a given… sadly, I wasn’t given that luxury. It was common for me to be mocked and ridiculed. When asking questions or trying to answer them, I was called stupid for making attempts to solve or question. Like I was supposed to say silent and sit there, like the rest of the group, too cool, or afraid, to take a risk of learning In public. Or at least trying to learn.

Now I wonder, if others feel the need to judge and make fun of a person who is willing to look stupid and make attempts in public. Like a social role as a student to just sit there and not try to be the odd one out. I didn’t get the memo. And even if I did, would I listen? I don’t think I would. Why sit there and be confused the entire time only to fail the class later? And I think that way of thinking is valid. But for me, it made a perspective where I believed nothing comes easy. Especially when you’re going against the grain unintentionally. Majority of the things I’ve tried weren’t encouraged or acknowledged. And it made a dynamic where I felt the need to try hard on everything I do. Because if things weren’t easy before. Why would they change now? It seemed common sense for me to go down that path because of that way of thinking. I used to think that was the way the world worked. And if that’s the way the world worked, things like love and acceptance and respect must not be easy either. Which might be true for some people, but for others, all those things needed for a good social life and a happy way of being is given. And i wondered why some have been given common acceptance and others were not, like me, had a hard time just being?

Maybe it’s because of environmental hostility, just for swimming upstream. I’m not saying I’m special, or anything. I’m far from perfect. But I try to give respect and kindness as much as I can. But i still ask why people like me, who try to do their own thing, is treated in an unkind way at times. I think for most people, mocking And judging, is a social queues of survival. Everyone, I believe have moments of survival needs. And I think it’s why I don’t think things are easy. Even now, writing was kind of my knack. Because I have fun writing. But yet, I feel wrong that I do this. Like a guilt, maybe fear, that this is all just a fluke. And that I’m writing a wrong, because it’s too easy to write down my thoughts this way. I’m still struggling with it. But after being given a better way of living by people, in a non hostile environment. I started to realize, ease can be a good thing. I can be loved and accepted just the way I am, without too much effort.

And that’s the thing. Ease can be a grey area between effort and lack of effort, it seems. It’s a good thing that some things and bad on others. It doesn’t seem so black and white, now. But I still am wary. Hopefully I acknowledge and accept that I’m in a better place to be, and I don’t have to be in places, where going against the grain, is punishable.